I feel I have to follow social norms, but at the same time I want to be free from them.
I know everyone feel like that, but I feel I have a more intense conflict between those two extremes than most people .
I have a strong sense of shame if I deviate from the "normal".
But on the other hand, I admire people who deviate from those values and go their own way.
Why do I feel this way?
I think that my resume is pretty much in line with what the average person would consider normal.
But in reality, I was passing the line on the edge and could have fallen off that path at any moment.
I couldn't keep up with the "norm" and was always on the verge of dropping out.
But thanks to my strong awareness of the need to follow the norms, I somehow managed to become "normal" in my career.
(I'm not sure if that was right or not, but I worked hard for it anyway, and I'm proud of myself.)
I had made it because of my mother's education.
She is exactly the kind of person who used to be clumsy but has tried to integrate into society through hard work.
That's why she has that kind of thought, and she educated me that way.
I think the reason for my duality is that my original personality was not suited for society, but my education corrected it.
As long as I have a yearning to break the norms and go my own way, I have to do it.
If I don't try to change anything and exhaust my energy just enduring current suffering, I will remain in pain forever.
